Ain't Love Grand
by LisaJ
Summary: The team is captured and brainwashed by an evil goa'uld. As a result, Daniel faces an unusual dilemma. a


Ain't Love Grand  
  
Daniel was desperate. In his years with the SGC he had bravely faced many dangers. He had been blown up, zatted, blasted with staff weapons, but nothing had prepared him for a situation such as this.  
  
Several days earlier the team had been captured by an especially evil goa'uld named Loki, god of practical jokes. Not content to torture his captives like a normal cruel, soulless symbiote, Loki had decided to use them as guinea pigs for his new mind control techniques. He had his minions brainwash Sam, Jack and Teal'c into thinking that Daniel was really Danielle, a beautiful woman. Loki had then disabled the Stargate and had temporarily left the team alone in his palace to test the strength of the brainwashing.  
  
No matter how hard the poor archeologist tried, he simply could not get the team to believe he was actually a man. He had tried arguing, jogging their memories, but nothing would shake their iron clad belief in his femininity. Of course, being forced into a getup that would have made RuPaul green with envy didn't help.  
  
No, being compelled to wear an bouffant wig, evening gown and heels was not the worst part of his current predicament. The worst part was the reaction of the erstwhile teammates.   
  
Sam kept shooting Daniel envious looks, Teal'c surreptitiously checked out his figure, and he could have sworn Junior was giving him the eye. However, this paled in comparison with Jack's reaction. Daniel had seen Jack suicidal, he had seen Jack homicidal. However, this was something new and entirely terrifying. It was the sight of Jack in love. Yes Jack was in love, with him, not Sam, him. And a Jack in love was a scary Jack indeed.   
  
Jack glowed with love, he overflowed with love, he sparkled and shined with love. When he wasn't gazing at Daniel adoringly, he would sigh and say "Danielle is so perfect".  
  
It was the brainwashing. At least Daniel hoped it was. He really, really, hoped it was.  
  
The love poems and sickeningly sweet gazes were bad enough, but at least he wasn't serenading Daniel. Daniel turned, he could hear a horrible sound, it appeared to be originating nearby, and was coming closer. It was awful, but somehow familiar.  
  
Oh no, that noise couldn't be Jack. "Danielle, my belle" Jack sang, butchering the Beatle's classic song 'Michelle'.   
  
"Jack"  
  
"Yes, darling" the Colonel responded, radiating love. "I'm a Beatle" he said, grinning.  
  
"For the last time, I'm not your darling" Daniel snapped.  
  
Crushed, Jack whimpered "but what about the sweet love between us".  
  
"There is nothing between us" Daniel insisted.  
  
"Why not, cupcake, what did I do? Tell me what I did wrong, so I can make it up to you" Jack groveled.  
  
"Look, Jack, it's not you, it's me" Daniel said, feeling guilty about hurting the Colonel's feelings.   
  
"It can't be you, pumpkin, you're perfect" the Colonel said, gazing lovingly at Daniel.  
  
"I'm not perfect, I'm a guy" Daniel responded.  
  
"Honeybear, we have to work on that body image problem of yours. Baby, you're all woman to me" Jack said, a lascivious gleam in his eye.  
  
Daniel fled into the hallway, where he encountered a furious Sam.   
  
"Stay away from him Danielle, he's mine" Sam spat.  
  
"Sam, I don't want him" Daniel said.  
  
"Oh no, then why are you flirting with him?" Sam said.   
  
"Flirting, I haven't been flirting with the man" Daniel retorted.  
  
"Yes you have, you've been hanging on his every word, flaunting your body in his face, you little tramp" Sam said menacingly.  
  
"I have not, and who are you calling a tramp" Daniel denied, vehemently. This was too much. Bad enough that both Jack and Teal'c were interested, but to have Sam act like a jealous harpy was the limit. He was NOT going to get into a catfight over O'Neill. It was simply not going to happen. Besides where did Sam get off calling him a tramp, she had a boyfriend on every planet. Granted they didn't last too long after meeting Sam, but still.  
  
Sam suddenly slapped Daniel's cheek, hard. Daniel stepped back. He couldn't hit a woman, it just wasn't in his nature. Sam hit him again, knocking him backward. She then lunged at Daniel. At this moment he stopped thinking of Sam as a woman, and started thinking of her as a trained killer. Daniel decked Sam with a good right cross. She fell to the ground unconscious. Daniel ran over, calling her name. Sam's eyelids fluttered. She groaned. Peering up at Daniel she said "Daniel, what happened?" Taking in Daniel's wig, heels and formal gown, she asked "why are you dressed like that?"   
  
Daniel nearly fainted with relief. She knew him, thank heavens. At that moment Sam's memory returned. "Oh my god" she bleated, embarrassed.   
  
"I'm sorry" Sam apologized for the twentieth time.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Daniel said, gathering up the train of the gown. "Let's just find Teal'c and Jack and get out of here".  
  
Teal'c gazed at Danielle, enjoying the sight of this stunning woman. Those blue eyes, that light hair, that fine figure, she was indeed a prize. Yes, such a female was worth fighting for, even if it meant challenging a man to whom he had sworn an oath of kinship.  
  
Sam tried to explain "Teal'c, this is Daniel, not Danielle, he's a man"  
  
Teal'c was puzzled, first this entrancing creature insisted that she was really a man, now the no-nonsense Major Carter was claiming the same thing. Perhaps they were suffering from a type of insanity. This was not important, he had other matters to attend to. "I shall return" he said, turning to leave, walking past Daniel. As he passed by Daniel jumped 3 feet in the air, stunned. Teal'c had just goosed him.  
  
"It's no use arguing with him Sam, we'll have to break the conditioning some other way" Daniel said.  
  
"Remember when Teal'c's son had been brainwashed by Apophis? We used a zat gun to cure him" Sam said.   
  
"Where can we get our hands on a zat gun?" Daniel asked.  
  
They found Teal'c an hour later. He was in the middle of what appeared to be a Gladiator fight with O'Neill. The two men circled each other, brandishing swords.   
  
"You are not worthy of such womanly magnificence, O'Neill" the Jaffa intoned.  
  
"Oh yeah, tattoo boy, we'll see about that" Jack responded.  
  
"I will prevail, human, Danielle will be mine" Teal'c boasted.  
  
"Over my dead body, snakeintheguts" Jack rejoined.  
  
"If that is what is necessary to claim my Danielle, I am indeed willing to pay such a price" Teal'c answered.  
  
"Holy crap, they're fighting a duel over me!" Daniel exclaimed, horrified, (but, it must be said, a little flattered).  
  
Hearing his beloved's voice, Teal'c's attention was momentarily diverted. Seizing the moment, Jack whacked him upside the head. Teal'c dropped like a sack of potatoes.   
  
Jack left the ring, running over to Daniel. Smiling tenderly, Jack took Daniel's hands in his. "I won, sweetcakes, now we can be together" Jack burbled.  
  
Meanwhile, Sam rushed towards Teal'c, spotting a bucket of water nearby, she dumped it over the prone Jaffa. Teal'c came to quickly. "Why was I fighting O'Neill?" he asked, confused. Looking around, he saw Jack and Daniel, comprehension flooding his face. "Major Carter, we must leave this place immediately. Gather Colonel O'Neill and DanielJackson, I will find the Chaa'ppai" Teal'c said.  
  
"Colonel, Daniel, we have to leave here before the goa'uld get back" Sam called.  
  
"Don't worry Danielle, I'll save you" the Colonel said, gallantly, crushing Daniel to his manly chest. Daniel glowered.  
  
Making their way to the gate room the team tried dialing home. Unfortunately something was wrong with the gate.  
  
Teal'c climbed atop the Stargate. "The mechanism is broken O'Neill, if we are to leave this planet, it must be by ship" the Jaffa announced.  
  
The team made their way to the launching pad. It was only a matter of minutes before Teal'c commandeered a cargo ship and they were able to escape the planet. Daniel was still wearing the getup Loki had foisted on him. He looked over at his companions. Sam was giggling, Jack wore his now familiar lovestruck expression and Teal'c was barely suppressing a smirk. To add insult to injury, Junior (!) poked his head out of Teal'c's pouch, looked at Daniel, and gave a downright jeering hiss.   
  
"As soon as we get home Danielle and I will get married. Hey, we could go to Vegas and get married in the Elvis Chapel. Sam, Janet and Cassie can be bridesmaids, Teal'c will be my best man and General Hammond can give the bride away" the Colonel said happily, visions of domestic bliss with his beloved Danielle filling his mind. He started humming 'Michelle'. Daniel groaned in despair. Sam snorted helplessly.  
  
"We can't get married Jack, we just can't" Daniel repeated, desperately.  
  
Jack took Daniel's hand. "Why can't we get married, snookems?" Jack inquired, smiling indulgently at his silly Danielle. Now that the Colonel had finally found true love, he wasn't going to let any petty obstacles get in the way.  
  
"Because I'm a man" Daniel said, ripping off his wig.  
  
Jack looked at Daniel, grinned, shrugged his shoulders, and said "well, nobody's perfect".  
  
The End. 


End file.
